Bimyakka!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Cute Babies - up to May 2012

Playing in the backyard

A pack of princesses

On the porch

Asleep at a friend's house

On Safari

I... don't know what to make of this.

Reading together

Too tired to walk

Tell me where the money is!

Mickey's Ferris Wheel

We went to Disneyland this year with Kyle's family. In California Adventure, there is a Ferris wheel. They call it Mickey's Fun Wheel.

When normal people see it, this is what they see.

This is what I see.

I've never been fond of heights. Whenever faced with Ferris wheels or the Skylifts, I usually opt to stay on the ground. I stay away from windows in tall buildings and if a glass elevator goes more than two stories, I stay right up by the elevator door. But this was Disney: fun and games, the happiest place on earth! Logically, I know the ride is safe and many people enjoy it. Compared with the Boardwalk Ferris wheel, it even looks more appealing because the gondolas are completely closed up with a door and everything. So I allowed myself to be convinced to give it a try.

I board one of the gondolas with Kyle, his dad, his sister and Vivian. There are two benches facing each other. Kyle sits across from me. Ha ha, isn't this fun? Gondola moves. Butterflies, they're manageable but oooh we're getting higher. This may have been a bad idea. Then, the gondola slides on it's track.

I'm going to die.

The most massive panic attack I've ever had in my life hits me. I'm crying, screaming, walking the line between swearing and praying. I want to curl up on the floor in the fetal position but my fear of disobeying the rules wins out and I stay glued to my seat. Hyperventilating. Telling Kyle I hate him for convincing me to ride. I'm horrified and mortified but I can't help myself. My reaction is visceral - I've never felt fear so strong before. All the while my mother instinct is screaming: protect the baby! protect the baby! My body tells me I'm going to die, and I just pray that it's over quickly.

For a moment, the gondola stops. I manage to hand the baby to the person next to me, insisting that they don't let her see me. I don't want to freak out the baby. Everyone can barely look at me anyways, their faces that uncomfortable expression people get when they're not sure where to look. Heaven knows, they don't want to look at the blubbering mess that is me. And I feel bad for ruining their fun and looking so horrifying, but when the Ferris wheel is going to kill you, you can't care about appearances anymore. I brace myself against the other bench, anything to feel safe. The ride starts again and the panic returns. But this time I can close my eyes because by handing off the baby I no longer had to protect her. In between hyperventilating, crying and begging, I coo to Vivian in false, hysterical reassurance "Isn't this fun?!" I hate myself for lying, but it's for her own good.

Eventually we make it to the bottom. I'm braced against everything I can, eyes closed. At least I'm no longer screaming. The ride operators see my face and ask if everything is all right. Everyone in the gondola begs them to stop the ride. Half a minute later, I'm staggering out. My fellow gondola riders ask if I want them to keep the baby while they go back around. Mom instincts kick in. Heck no, I'm taking that baby with me. I won't let the Ferris wheel get her.

After escaping, it takes me a long time to recover. Sitting on the bench, I'd remember and start crying and hyperventilating into my backpack. For several hours later, I can't look at the Ferris wheel without a shudder of apprehension. Eventually, the fear wears off and I can start cracking jokes again. But inside I know the Ferris wheel has beaten me.

We rename it "Mickey's Wheel of Terror." Because Mickey hates me and wants me to die.

For a few days after, I keep wanting to talk and analyze it. I'm fascinated by that visceral reaction. I don't often feel emotions that strong. Sometimes in normal life, I wonder about myself and think "Is this really me or is this me pretending to be a certain way?" I hope I'm a certain person, though deep down I worry that I'm just faking it. But on that Ferris wheel all pretension was stripped away and those feelings, those emotions, those reactions were 100% me. They weren't pretty, but they were real.

Why was it so bad? I know I'm afraid of heights, but height isn't the only factor because I enjoy roller-coasters. So what is the difference between a Ferris wheel and a roller-coaster? One, Ferris wheels are slow moving. Instead of the whip and thrill of a ride, you're just climbing higher and higher absorbing how high you really are. Two, Ferris wheels aren't secured. In a roller-coaster, you're strapped down. Even though I know I'm not going to fall out of the Ferris wheel mentally, I don't have the physical reassurance of being restrained. And Three, this particular roller-coaster has a sliding track for the gondolas. If it didn't move, I'd probably be miserable and maybe even crying, but I might not have had a full blown panic attack. Of course, that part is speculation, but it sounds reasonable to me.

The funny thing is, I look back on the experience with affection. Yes, it was miserable, but it was a powerful emotion I might never have felt otherwise. And a part of me feels a little proud: hey, you really are crazy! Isn't it nice to have it spelled out?

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Sensitive Ears

My whole life I've had a love-hate relationship with earrings. I love the way they look, especially dangling ones. But I could never wear them very long because they made my ears hurt. I guess I have some kind of metal allergy. Looking for earrings that might work are an even worse pain than actually wearing them. Even when they're advertised as "nickel-free" or "for sensitive ears," they still never worked. Then I stumbled on a solution. Plastic earring hooks.

I just removed the old hook and replaced them with these. Also, clean with Neosporin (kill the all the bugs!). Admittedly, they're not as stylish as metal hooks and they are a little more snug on my ear lobe, but I wore a trial pair this evening and after several hours I haven't had to take them out yet! I'm so excited! Jewelry making hobby, here I come!